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here’s a little snippet about putting it all together … knowing what you want and finding the words to convey it.
Rolling the Dice –
“Tell me how you would want to live,” Jake said, cutting into his steak. “I mean, tell me everything and don’t hold back. Don’t hesitate and don’t skip the details.”
“What for?” Hunny asked. “What good would that do me?”
“It would give you a chance to live outside of your head, to not be bored and to not be waiting for the next thing to cut-n-run away from,” Jake said, being firm but kind. “Break the cycle, Princess. Break it and own it.”
Hunny smiled but still sniffled. Jake had a way of making her feel self-empowered. It was ironic, however, that Hunny really didn’t want to feel empowered at all. Still, the gesture from him was very, very appreciated. And the truth of this topic had never-fading clarity: she was bored with her life and felt guilt from this since she had no parental issues and no excuses from a poor childhood to fall back on – the usual suspects to blame. She was just bored.
“I just wanna ……… live,” Hunny admitted, pausing to find the right words. “I mean really live for once.”
“So what’s really holding you back from doing that?” Jake asked, hoping she would find the answer without needing direction towards it.
“I don’t know but I always seem to find an excuse,” Hunny answered, bluntly and honestly.
“Tell me what would make you feel alive,” Jake said, reaching across the table, making her unfold her arms and taking hold of her right hand. “Tell me all of it, Princess. Give it all up and spill it.”
Hunny leaned forward, thinking of how to summarize it without making it sound like she was summarizing it. True, Jake had told her to not leave out any of the details. But she would’ve bored him to tears if she had gone into full-explanation mode.
“Excitement, new things, new emotions, new feelings, something I haven’t done before that I swiftly learn I’ve been seeking all along,” Hunny answered, proud of her well-though-out, to-the-point response.
“You have those opportunities all around you. They come into this diner every night,” Jake said. “Whether they engage you respectfully or pinch your ass.”
“No. What I’m talking about is someone reaching inside me and cupping my heart with their hands, making it beat faster than ever before … giving me a reason to breathe and breathe deeply. I’m talking about feeling something new, something I have no ability to put to words at all because of how it has taken my breath away after it gave me the brief momentary ability to fill my lungs. I wanna feel needles on the surface of my skin as I am held by someone who knows how to handle a lady. But at the same time, he knows how to keep me from, once again, denying myself the things I crave so badly that I can taste them on my tongue, hear them perfectly and see them with such a detailed view that I would be remiss for ignoring them,” Hunny said, speaking with a shaky voice but plowing through the fear of the sounds of her admissions. “I wanna wake up and already be overwhelmed by myself, by my mind and my senses. I wanna have absolutely no chance of escaping … cutting-n-running yet again. I wanna feel like I am indeed a princess as you have always called me. I wanna be made to beg for more and rewarded for how deeply my emotions run. You guys really can understand or appreciate how much a girl tries, how much she really, really tries to be incredible at everything, to be unlike any other who came along before and unlike anyone who will appear in the future. I wanna be seen like that – from the inside, not just viewed from my surfaces. I wanna be made thirsty and then be inundated with water all at once. I wanna be ……… helplessly captive to everything, so captive that I can’t run away.”
Hunny paused to catch her breath, then grabbing his coffee cup and drinking down the rest of the coffee in it before continuing.
“I wanna be handled with a gentle touch and gripped with a commanding clasp at the same time. I wanna have no idea where I’m being led, but I want to feel so assured of myself that I don’t question those commands,” Hunny said, becoming lost inside her own explanation. “And I guess more than anything else, I wanna to feel what it’s like to be that important to someone and to know that such time has been spent on me that I would be better for it – permanently remolded into something greater than what I already am. I wanna take the chance and accept the results. I wanna roll the dice and find that crown I’m supposed to have. I wanna know that something other than a frog wants me, wants to take care of me and needs me. Do you know what I mean?”
“I think I might know a little something that could help you. No pun intended,” Jake replied with a smile that had some sort of devious, if not devilish, origin to it.
“Huh? What pun?” Hunny asked, puzzled by his quick remark.
“Never mind. We’ll get to that soon enough,” Jake said, raising an eyebrow at her. “And you’ll definitely roll the dice. Just make certain to blow on them first … for good luck. That’s really what’s need. Isn’t it?”
“I guess so?” she asked, still trying to come down from the euphoric state of mind she had put herself in. “So what does that mean?”
“What that means is: you know what you want but you don’t know how to get it,” Jake said, his eyes twinkling with a scheming glow.
“So how do I learn what I need to learn?” Hunny asked, lowering her chin and nibbling on her lower lip.
She had absolutely no idea what he was getting at, but the mysterious gaze in his eyes was quite intriguing to her.
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