here is a little story about what to do when tottering on the brink.
There’s Nothing More Important … –
Kendra walked into the kitchen, fresh out of the shower and as naked as the day she was born. Reaching up to the cupboard for a glass, she tightened her lips and breathed out slowly. She could feel it coming on again – those troubling thoughts that had been an impasse and plagued her disposition for the majority of her life. It was easy for people to tell her to get over what had happened to her in her past and even easier for them to call the damaging reflections something she just needed to forget. But oh, if they had to trade places with her and experience the flashbacks she had, they might not have been so quick to judge her.
Pouring herself a glass of water from the sink, she walked over to the back window, looking outside at the new moonlight and then to the back swing as she recalled the first time she sat on that swing with Sage. Oh, what a blessing he was, one of the most patient and understanding people she had ever met.
For this, she loved him unconditionally. It was one of many reasons she loved him and as she grew closer with him, he had become someone she felt she needed, just to survive her attacks of memory. Early on in their relationship, she found herself calling him Daddy – an indication that her father hadn’t been an effective part of her childhood. In fact, Kendra had no idea who her father was. And because Sage had been so loving and understanding, he had become her Daddy.
She swallowed a large mouthful of water, tightening her lips and fighting back the tears as she felt the beginnings of another breakdown. This wasn’t fair to Sage to keep doing this to him. And on this night, in his apartment, all she wanted to do was submit to him. It didn’t need to be another struggle for her to control her emotions. But the past had an ugly way of returning, again and again. And perhaps it was Kendra’s inability to control herself that first led her down the pathway to submission. The thought was logical and simple: If she couldn’t control herself, then she would give up all control to someone else.
Enter Sage into her life.
Oh, how perfect her relationship was with him. For every weakness she had, he was strong. For every insecurity she had, he was the rock she relied upon. And for every Daddy, there was a BabyGirl.
Age play always seemed like a silly term to Kendra. She truly didn’t understand the word play. For her, when she regressed, she wasn’t playing around. It was not only what she needed, but was a little piece of who she had always wanted to be as a little girl. But thoughts of her youth triggered the painful memories and it was this cycle of flashbacks that caused her breakdowns.
It was a rather unfortunate place that she found herself in. On the one hand, regression was something she could go into when she needed to hide. But on the other hand, that regression drummed up the visions that had haunted her. In other words, she had to hurt herself in the hopes of feeling good afterwards.
And such was Kendra’s tormented life – feeling duress when triggers ignited thoughts and caused mental breakdowns.
She didn’t work until she was 16 when she got her driver’s license. At her first job at a fast food restaurant, she found herself a victim of sexual harassment, being locked in a storage room with her supervisor and molested. Kendra would file the complaint, as per the directions of the employee handbook. And for her troubles, she was fired. A lengthy unemployment hearing would ensue where lawyers took her cheerful personality, her natural feminine wiles and even her make-up, turning them all around and making it seem like Kendra had been asking for it, as one of the lawyers stated. Kendra would win the unemployment hearing but damage to her self-esteem had still been done.
In college, Kendra was chased one night by a campus rapist who trapped her in the library as he had done for several other victims. Years later now, she could still see that guy’s face clearly in her nightmares – at that moment when he pinned her back to the table. Had the campus authorities arrived merely a minute later, it would’ve been too late to prevent Kendra from involuntarily losing her virginity.
Her first serious relationship after college ended poorly, the morning after she gave her virginity up to him.
When she met her Sage, months later, she was on the brink of complete mental collapse. But it his combination of being compassionate when she needed him to be and also being aggressive when she needed a nudge to do something she was reluctant to that endeared him to her heart. Sage truly understood what her past had done to her, though he didn’t understand how it felt.
“And where did you wander off to, BabyGirl?” Sage said, appearing in the kitchen entryway in a t-shirt and jeans. “I get done drying you off and I turn around for a second to dry the bathroom floor, and then suddenly, some little girl had wandered away.”
Kendra smiled. The mere presence of her Daddy and that ever-present gentle growl in his timbre always melted her. And on more occasions than she cared to admit to, it was that Daddy-n-BabyGirl dynamic thing between them that brought her back from the very mental brink she faced at that moment, staring out at the backyard.
Sage was no God. He was furthest thing from it, just like everybody else. But Sage was someone who had no trouble admitting he was flawed, though Kendra really couldn’t much wrong with him. Whatever it was that he possessed to control her emotions and snap her back into reality in the nick of time, she was more than just grateful for. She needed that guidance and as she slipped further and further into the BabyGirl mindset that came naturally to her, she would on Sage saving her from herself. But helping her deal with her past wasn’t exactly pleasant for Sage and it took a lot out of him to do it. Still, they had made progress together and he even got her to go to the doctor about it.
Kendra enjoyed the age play, the treatment, the control, the adjustments she needed from time to time, the mind games and the ravaging sex. But her greatest fantasy, the one that she believed would always be unfinished, was a single moment of her life when she didn’t deal with ghosts from her past, when her nights were no longer doorways for nightmares and when being fucked in the head was a pleasured fantasy, not a painful reality. There was nothing more important than that.
“I didn’t get a chance to check your hard work,” Sage whispered as he walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, his right hand trailing down her naked skin – towards the fresh smoothness between her legs.
She set the glass down on the window sill, closing her eyes as she reached up and laced her fingers behind his head. She knew well what he was about to do. And she knew that her thoughts would bounce between the pleasure of his touch and the pain of her thoughts from the past. But that was something else she had succumbed to – tottering on the brink between something good and something bad. Kendra had no idea how she would’ve ever recovered without him. Knowing that triggers still affected her, Sage remained her rock, prepared for whatever state of mind she was in.
Kendra leaned her back up against, pressing her naked bottom into his waist as his fingers passed over her mound, pressing in on her clit as they trailed down to her labia, parting her outer with a tender caress until they reached her perineum at her base. She whimpered softly, heaving her breast out to arch her back in the hopes that he might physically relieve some of the tension she was feeling.
“That’s a good girl,” Sage whispered in her ear as she slowly rocked her hips to add to the caress at the touch his fingertips. “And there’s nothing more important than being a good girl for me.”
He pressed his palm in on her clit, massaging it up-n-down and causing tiny spasm to make her catch her breath.
“Isn’t that right, Baby?” Sage asked with a syrupy-rich tone of lust.
“Yes, Daddy,” she whispered through her gentle whimpers.
“That’s what I like to hear from you,” Sage said as his left had wrapped around her and traveled up to her cleavage, pressing her body firmly back against him as the pointer and ring fingers of his right hand parted her labia a split second before his middle finger entered the wet and swollen confines of her opening. “And you will do whatever Daddy says.”
Her first audible moan escaped her lips as she closed her eyes, her mind racing back-n-forth between the good and the bad. Even without an orgasm arriving, she was already emotionally-overloaded. And she knew that Sage wasn’t going to let up on her until she purged it – the good and the bad. Ugly obviously didn’t apply to her.
She began to rock her hips more rapidly, fighting to keep her breathing from going erratic. Had it not been for Sage holding her up, she might well have collapsed from dizziness. But as her arousal began to build just as rapidly as her frenzy, she found herself fighting the very submission she craved. Perhaps it was a bit of her free will coming out or a natural reaction to needing to survive. Whatever had put her into a sudden whirl; it was quickly halted by a simple pinch to her left nipple.
And Sage knew how to make that pinch have a maximum effect of control over her. Sensing the hindered tension in his fingertips, she struggled to fight her impulses. And in the process, began to release the overload of emotion. Tears welled up in her eyes and she tightened her lips as she swallowed the lump in her throat. The view from the back window of the kitchen became suddenly blurry to her and, knowing that the breakdown had arrived, she closed her eyes as the tears streamed down her cheeks.
She cried audibly as his fingers put as much good sensation into her as her tears were helping her to release the bad. And while it seemed she wouldn’t cross the brink just then, there was a long night ahead and she hoped it would be a good one.
“Thank you for teaching me obedience,” Kendra struggled to say through her tears. “There’s nothing more important than obeying my Daddy.”
And for as icy cold as that statement sounded, it was exactly what she needed at the exact moment she needed it. When her mind was functioning properly, free of baggage, she was fine and they could be a happy couple with an age play twist that spiced their lives quite nicely. But when she relapsed, he would sometimes have to take desperate measures to help her through the episodes.
For now, all seemed well. And it was time to ravage her mind in a good way.
Curling his finger inside her, he pressed up on the ridges above her opening and massaged them all until he found the one that made her twitch uncontrollably. At first, she seized up completely – tightening every muscle in her body and clenching her canal around his fingers as she leaned her head back on his shoulder for the sake of dizziness. He pinched her nipple harder and concentrated on her g-spot. Her whimpers reached higher in pitch and drove her further upward towards a summit that might be too intense for her to handle.
She put her feet up on the windowsill and reached for the pane in an attempt to break away from him and avoid the forthcoming orgasm. But Sage simply stepped backwards into the middle of the kitchen, keeping her naked frame pressed up against him and denying her the ability to reach anything for leverage. Her legs shook as the first ripple of pleasure poured out of her center and washed over her frame, weakening her defenses against it. She reached up and took hold of two handfuls of his hair, yanking as best she could as she felt her core tightening. And then a steady stream of pleasure rushed out of her, causing her to scream at the top of her lungs, but only being heard for a split second before Sage released her nipple from his fingertips and covered her mouth with his left hand.
His forearm traveled up between her cleavage now, pressing his elbow into her sternum to keep her pinned to his chest.
“There’s nothing more important than being a good girl for your Daddy,” he whispered as her mind traveled in and out of the present moment.
Part of the damage of having been physically mistreated earlier in her life was the recurring flashbacks she had when being intimate nowadays. It was always a struggle to get through and it personally pained Sage’s heart. But his anguish was nothing compared to the visions in Kendra’s eyes.
Still, he remained her rock, fueling her arousal with whispered words as she climbed to the summit and froze in a paralyzed state until her limbs suddenly shook again involuntarily until she ballooned down into her afterglow.
Sage hoisted her up into his arms, wrapping her limpened arms around his neck and her legs around his waist as he slowed walked back to the bedroom. It was time for her to sleep.
“You were a very good girl, Kendra,” Sage whispered in her ear softly. “And I am very proud of you.”
His simple words of praise warmed her thoughts and brought serenity to her disposition … for the moment, at least. But hearing that praise from him was something she needed, every day and as often as possible.
In his bedroom, in the center of his bed was a diaper, unfolded and placed flat. She didn’t see it when they walked in because her eyes were shut and her head was resting on his shoulder. But as he laid her down onto the bed, her bottom felt the softness of the inside of that diaper, and, though exhausted, she let out a pleasant whimper at its feel.
“Shh, shh, shh,” Sage shushed her as he picked up the bottle of baby powder. “There’s nothing more important than being a good girl for your Daddy.”
Hours Later –
Kendra stood in the corner, the tip of her nose touching the crease where the two walls met and her eyes shut – exactly as she had been instructed to do. She just couldn’t seem to do anything right. The worst punishment of all wasn’t anything that anyone else did to her, but rather, it was how she beat herself up inside. But then again, she had done well for all she had faced in her life. And maybe she actually was overly-sensitive about things, but she certainly wasn’t being dramatic without reason. And whatever the cause, she just couldn’t handle unpleasantness like she should’ve been able to.
A door suddenly opened behind her, shutting with a loud slam and snapping her out of her wandering state of mind. And then she heard footsteps walking up behind her.
“Lean your head back, but keep your eyes shut,” she heard a familiar male voice say – familiar but one that she just couldn’t place.
She leaned her head back as instructed and as she thought about that familiar voice, a piece of cloth was wrapped around her head and tied, blindfolding her eyes before the man pushed her head back forward – touching the tip of her nose to the crease of the wall corner once again. And without another moment to contemplate how long she would be made to stand there, she felt her work pants being yanked down to her ankles. Shifting her feet to fidget at the coolness on her legs she heard another familiar sound – a crinkle at her waist.
Wait a minute. That couldn’t be. She couldn’t possibly have forgotten to change out of her diaper before she came into work this morning. Yet, the evidence showed otherwise.
“I’ve suspected you wore a diaper for quite some time now,” the familiar male voice said. “Do you have bladder problems?”
“No,” she answered.
“Then why are you wearing it?” he asked.
“Because I’m an adult baby,” she replied, closing her mouth and wanting to die for having just admitted that.
“You’re a what?” he asked in confusion.
“An adult baby. It’s a fetish I have,” Kendra replied, closing her mouth quickly again.
Shut up, Kendra! For God’s sake, why did she keep opening her mouth?
“Turn around and lift up your front shirt tails,” the guy said, walking to a nearby chair and taking a seat.
Obediently, Kendra turned around and lifted her front shirt tails as she heard his cell phone clicking pictures of her.
“That’s the blackmail I was looking for,” the guy said. “Now get on your hands-n-knees and crawl towards my voice.
Oh, how humiliating. How could she have forgotten to take her diaper off before coming into work? Who forgets a thing like that? The questions kept arriving in the forefront of her mind as she got down on the office rug and began to crawl towards him.
“That’s it. That’s a good girl,” he said, taking more pictures as she crawled. “Keep coming.”
Ergh! Who was he? His voice sounded so familiar to her. But perhaps his identity was the least of her concerns. How could she possibly have gotten herself into the situation? She never dreamed in a million years that she would be discovered at work or that she would have her pants yanked down to her ankles.
“Keep coming. You’re almost there,” the guy said, still taking cell pics of her.
Maybe this was a dream. Yeah! That had to be the answer. Nobody at work would ever possibly get away with this. But this sure didn’t feel like a dream. Her legs were frozen from the air conditioning and her hands-n-knees were definitely contacting something that had texture like cloth or a rug or something.
“Stop,” he said suddenly as she brought her crawl to a halt. “Now, kneel up and scoot forward.”
This didn’t sound good at all. What was he about to make her do? But still compliant, she sat up on her knees and scooted forward.
“Now, place your forearms together in front of you?” he instructed.
Was he going to tie her up? This was getting worse by the second. She did as he said, placing her arms together in front of her, from her elbows to her fingertips.
“Part your hands at the wrists,” he said, still taking pictures.
She parted her hands and when she did so, he grabbed her wrists with his left hand and pulled her arms forward – wrapping her fingers around his stiffened erection. Oh my God. She winced and tried to pull away, but with one simple statement, she learned how obedient she was going to be.
“I have a lot of pictures here of you in a diaper, of you crawling on the floor and now a few of your hands holding something that I’m sure would make great pictures on Facebook,” the guy said, helping her to wrap her hands around his aroused state. “And your name tag is visible. I think you’d better do exactly as I say, Kendra … unless you want to be fired. Now start stroking.”
Kendra’s heart was pounding and she shook with fear. She couldn’t play with … with him! Oh, the thought of it almost made her sick.
“Or perhaps Sage would like to see what you do all day at work,” the guy said. “I’d suggest you start stroking in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 …”
Kendra gripped his girth with both hands and began to stroke him up and down. Humiliation wasn’t even registering for her anymore. Instead, it had been replaced with an absolute petrified fear. Who the hell was this guy? Someone higher up in the company? Come to think of it, she couldn’t remember how she got in this room.
“Ahhhh,” he moaned, relaxing into the chair as he began petting her hair. “That’s a good girl. Just like that. Tight grip. Slow and steady as you go.”
Oh, her skinned crawled at the sound of his enjoyment. She felt dirty and sick to her stomach. And why were her legs to cold? Geez, were they in a freezer!
“You’re doing such a good job,” he said with a low satisfied voice, making her shiver with thought of what she was doing to him, what she looked like in the pictures and horrible imagination of what was to come next.
“Faster,” he said, running his fingers through her hair. “I can upload and text these pictures right her and now.”
She clenched his stiffened girth harder and stroked him up and down, her lips closed tightly to prevent her forthcoming sobs from being audible and her eyes welling up with tears behind the blindfold.
“Ahhhh,” he moaned with heightened enjoyment.
Kendra leaned back as much as she could without making it obvious she was doing so. It seemed like a good idea to get out of the line of fire if he was about to … oh, she just couldn’t think of it anymore.
Fortunately and unfortunately at the same time, she wouldn’t have to think of it much longer.
“Now,” he said, placing his hands on her wrists to stop her from stroking her further. “Open your mouth … wide.”
Kendra froze in horror, flooding her diaper in fear. Her heart pounded so heavily at this point that it hurt through her chest as she began to hyperventilate.
“Just relax yourself,” the guy said, placing his hand on the back of her head and pulling it forward.
She trembled, from head to toe.
“I can’t!” she exclaimed, bursting into tears as she pulled her head back.
“Kendra, you will give me a blow job … now,” the guys said in a low and now angry voice.
“No,” she cried.
“Maybe you’ve forgotten who you’re saying no to,” he said, ripping the blindfold off from around her head.
Kendra looked up in horror at him. She knew that his voice was too familiar to be coincidence. Looking down at her clothing, she saw she was wearing that hideous Buffalo Bob’s Restaurant outfit – the one she thought she had burned years ago. And sitting in that chair was Brandon, the supervisor who had molested her years ago. How did she get here? Oh whatever! It didn’t matter. She had to get away from him. But that was easier said than done.
She tried to stand up, but he kept her on her knees, still trying to force her mouth down around his stiffness, but Kendra fought back, thrashing at him with scratches to the sides of his face. But Brandon did nothing to fight back. He simply held her by her shoulders as she kept digging her nails into his temples.
And then Kendra awoke in bed. It was the middle of the night, her diaper was drenched and the covers she had kicked to the floor. The shadow of someone loomed over top of her, holding her by the shoulders – just as Brandon had done in her nightmare.
Or was she still in the nightmare?
She lashed out at the silhouette, scratching him and trying to get away, but he didn’t fight back either.
“Kendra, wake up,” she heard Sage’s voice say.
But, oh no! There were no more familiar voices she was going to listen to. She began to kick at the silhouette, panting for air and screaming for help when her lungs filled. But the silhouette kept talking to her as if he was Sage, asking her what was wrong and telling her to wake up.
She kept scratching him and kicking him until he mounted her waist, preventing her from kicking anymore. Kendra went into further hysterics, fearing rape – the only misfortune she hadn’t been a victim of yet. Then, the silhouette pinned her wrists to the bed as she heaved up and arched her back, trying to break free from underneath him. He released her right wrist and reached over, turning on the lamp on the nightstand next to the bed as she reached up to him, sunk her nails into the side of his face and yanked down at the moment that the lamp light turned on, giving her an up-close view of the blood that trickled down the side of Sage’s face.
Sage winced in pain, closing his eyes and catching his breath as Kendra sat up and embraced him, bursting into tears.
“It’s okay, baby,” Sage said. “It’s okay.”
“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.
“Don’t be,” Sage said. “I’m okay. It’s just a little blood, no big deal.”
“Yes it is a big deal!” she screamed at him, releasing him from the hug and falling back onto the bed, covering her hands with her face as she cried.
Sage climbed off her and sat by her side, not certain what he could say that he hadn’t already said countless times in the past.
“I just want the pain inside to stop,” Kendra cried. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Look at me. I can’t even sleep without something going wrong.”
She covered her face with her hands again. And Sage sat silent, gently rubbing her back as he leaned forward and kissed her forehead. Tears streamed from her eyes as anger welled up inside her.
“And you!” she screamed at him. “Why do you stay with me? Can’t you see I’m broken?”
Sage stood up off the bed and turned back to her.
“You are not broken. Therefore, you don’t need to be fixed,” he said with a stern but calm voice. “But until you believe that, all anyone can do is be hopeful for you.”
“Oh, I see. So it’s my fault. It’s my problem,” Kendra cried.
“No, Baby. It isn’t your fault and it isn’t your problem,” he said, picking her up and wrapping her legs around his waist. “It’s my problem and there’s only one way that I know how to deal with it.”
“Let me go,” Kendra said, trying to climb down from his carry, to no avail. “Put me down!”
“I’m not going anywhere, Princess,” he said, carrying her out of the bedroom. “There’s nothing more important than you.”
“Let me go!” she gritted through her teeth and when he didn’t put her down, she started scratching his face again.
Sage was convinced that the only way he could understand what she was feeling would be if he was hurt just as badly. She clawed at him, punching his face and trying to choke him until exhaustion won her over and she collapsed onto his chest, now wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist on her own.
“Shh, shh, shh,” Sage shushed her, rocking her back and forth on the way to the TV room as he patted her diaper bottom, discovering how wet she was.
She had definitely done her best to hurt him, not intentionally, of course. He never blocked her fists and never fought back – simply allowing her to let the hurt out until at last, the pain was gone … for the moment. And though she might feel the hurt again in a few minutes, at least they had made the first step towards recovery. Everything good began with a single moment.
Sitting on the sofa, Sage moved her body into the cradle of his arms and lap. She pressed up against him, drained of so many things more than just hurt.
“I’m not going anywhere, BabyGirl,” Sage said, patting her diapered bottom. “And I stay with you – because there’s nothing more important than you.”
And there she remained for quite some time – cradled on his lap with drained emotions and a drained bladder. She felt relieved but also exhausted. Lifting her tear-stained eyes, she looked up at Sage’s face – scratched and slightly bleeding. Oh, how horrible it made her feel to know that she caused his injury. And that was the only feeling she needed to break down.
It was bad enough that she suffered from flashbacks. Those alone crushed her esteem, but the fact that Sage would never complain made her feel both bad and good – bad because her issues affected him, at her hands. That was the sort of thing that would become a visual reminder, long after the episode had left her. But also good because it reassured that when she was at her worst, he wasn’t ever going to run – no matter how many times she involuntarily tried to match his scars to her own. And the only statement Sage made when she confronted him with her apologies was:
“So long as you keep trying, so will I. And I’ll always be right here, so long as you want me to be.”
It meant more to her than she could put to words that Sage fought by her side as she relapsed. Fighting something alone was difficult in itself, but when what you are fighting isn’t another person or something tangible, but rather, memories – the battle became far more unwinnable, increasingly as it went along.
Lying there looking up at him, she could see clearly in his eyes what needed to happen. And she knew that it hurt him far more to do it than it would hurt her to receive it.
“Daddy, please make the pain go away,” she begged him. “I just want to be numb from now on.”
With a sorrowful look in his irises, Sage lifted her up off his lap and positioned her to kneel in front of the sofa. And as he placed her pacifier in her mouth, she closed her eyes, rested the side of her head on the sofa cushion and crossed her wrists in front of her.
She could hear him unfastening the buckle of his belt and she willingly lifted her knees up for him to lower her wet diaper to her ankles. Fetching a wipe from her diaper bag, sitting next to the sofa, he cleaned her bottom and then up between her legs – the last bit of pleasure she would feel for a little while.
There were five recognized stages to the emotion of grief: Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally, Acceptance. But it was that second stage, Anger, which always prolonged her eventual arrival at Acceptance. But grieving was a personal process with no time limit, nor any one right way to do it. And what Kendra grieved over wasn’t a loss of anything so much as it was the memories that simply wouldn’t go away. She was certain the best thing she could do was to allow herself to feel the grief as it came over her. Resisting it would only prolong the natural process of healing.
But without another second to become lost in the thoughts of her over-active mind, she felt the delivery of the first strike of his belt as it landed squarely across her bottom with a force that made every muscle in her body tense up. Clearly, she could still feel pain. Keeping her eyes closed, she felt them watering up as she tossed her head back and forth, looking for a new comfortable position. Her mind quickly shifted to the task of finding something to do with the pain of that first strike.
Even when receiving what she knew she needed just then, she was still upset that she had to struggle so much to feel good. It shouldn’t have ever been this hard. Yet, there she was, fighting a physical battle with pain and doing no better at it then avoiding nightmares. So many people in her past denied her pleas for help, for justice even – from co-workers to bosses to campus security. And these denials left her so bitter than she became hardened to a lot of emotions afterwards. She would isolate herself for protection, for survival.
And the greatest struggle then would be to climb back out of isolation. Even when she did that and was successful, denial soon became her burden. Often, she would suppress memories too painful to deal with – until they returned to her, making nightmares instead of dreams.
Strike two of Sage’s leather belt landed, causing a sting at the contact point that spread out across the back of her body in all directions. She whimpered quite loudly behind her pacifier as that sting traveled across areas of skin that hadn’t been touched – making a frenzy of nerve-endings jump. She began to shake, trembling first in her legs as her mind still searched frantically for ways to avoid feeling the pain.
But the avoidance of physical pain only led her back into painful thoughts. And, stuck in the middle of it all, she became angry, grunting a pout behind her pacifier and almost making it seem like she felt she didn’t deserve to be so conflicted. Anger welled up inside her, a common reaction to many different kinds of unpleasantness. She gritted her teeth and bit down into the rubber nipple between her lips as she lifted her head up and stared at the back cushion of the sofa with an evil glare. She was becoming convinced that she would never be free of her demons. And refusing all medication to help her, the mere task of getting through a simple breakdown became paramount with difficulty.
Strike three of the leather belt landed on the exact same spot as the first two, now sending the sting much more deeply inward, into her muscles. She squealed in agony and reached back behind her, covering her bottom with her hands. Sage grabbed her wrists and pinned them at the small of her back, wrapping the leather belt around them and tightening it like a noose before he grabbed the length of the belt and lifted it upward – also lifting her hands and arms to a paralyzed position.Why did everything have to be met with a challenge, some snafu along the way that, seemingly wanted to destroy her chances at finding happiness? Was that really it? Was she her own problem? Could she simply not get out of her own way?
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Sage wasn’t supposed to walk into her life until she had these problems figured out. He had shown up way too early.Is this what the rest of her life was going to be like? Would she always take steps backwards for unknown reasons?
Oh, for pity’s sake. Just one single, solitary moment of being normal and more importantly, feeling normal. That’s all she would ever ask of life to provide for her. But it seemed that not even a single moment would be damage-free.
And how long could Sage realistically hang on?
He was human, too. He was flawed and he had him limits. It all seemed like a matter of time before he left her. At this point, she wouldn’t blame him if he did. She often wondered if he had ever received anything good from being with her.
Strike four landed on that same spot. This time, he used his left palm, the strike making her feel like she was swelling and giving her skin a wet feeling – like he had broken her surface open and she was now bleeding. She kicked her legs out, trying to fight the sting as it lingered long after the spank and shot its continued pain down the back of her thighs. Kendra cried steadily into her pacifier, tears pouring from her eyes as he lifted her bound wrists higher for greater leverage. He placed his knee on her lumbar to hold her down, raising his left hand again.
Strike five hit and she tensed again as the pain began reaching an unbearable level. In defense of itself, her mind retreated her attentions back to being upset at what others had done to her, how she was an easy target and how they had damaged her. Self-pity became the new blanket of protection she clung to, with a growing fear of being destroyed inside.
Strike six and the pain finally began to mellow to numbness, but it didn’t prevent her from delving deeper into anger to compensate. Such was Kendra’s psyche. When one good thing happened, she immediately offset it with something bad, thusly, keeping her in the exact same place. Her tears became fueled by rage and she tried free her wrists, pulling down on the restraining belt. But when she tried this, Sage landed four more strikes from his left hand in rapid fire succession – reducing her back to her kneel, to heavier tears yet and to her first offering of submission.
She stopped fighting him, lying her head back down on the sofa cushion and beginning to accept that she truly did deserve this punishment. There’s was no other way she could process it without damning herself into depression. People were hurt all the time. Kendra had no right to make a fuss out of her experiences. And she certainly had no right to take anything out on Sage. She was to blame. It was her fault, no one else’s. She was certain of this and she eventually succumbed fully to the thoughts of self-incrimination.
The cracking sound of his hand to her bottom continued echoing in her ears and the sting kept shooting up her back and down the back of her thighs, but she couldn’t feel it anymore. Her cries became silent as her will power began to leave her and with it, at long last, went her mental tantrum.
He finished and released her wrists from the belt, allowing her to rest for a few minutes. He needed the break, too. It wasn’t easy for either of them. And as she knelt there, her torso lying limp on the sofa cushion, her thoughts became as jumbled as her emotions. Whereas normally this might’ve led someone to confusion, for Kendra was a comforted relief from all the pain she was feeling. She heard Sage doing something on the rug behind her, but really couldn’t focus her senses to figure it out. Her body temperature lowered as her heartbeat slow its pounding. And once she caught her breath, she wrapped her lips more tightly around the nipple of her pacifier, once again nursing from it in search of as much comfort as she could find.
Sage returned to her side and helped her crawl from the sofa over to the afghan blanket he spread out on the rug right in front of the TV. Her wet diaper was still around her ankles and it was the first thing he removed – once he got her situated on the blanket. Instinct often drew her knees to her chest when he placed her in front of him on her back. But this time, instinct had her draw her knees up so her reddened bottom didn’t touch anything. Her tear-stained cheeks had turned rosy and her glassy eyes glistened with the soft blue flickers of light from the TV. As Sage slid her diaper bag over to his side, he hoped the calm on her face meant she was finding a little balance with her emotions – even if only temporarily.
He reached into her diaper bag and took out a new diaper, unfolding it and sliding it underneath her. And then came the powder – an experience that usually made for instant silky comfort, but this time, it came with an initial sting – understandably for how red her bottom was. Then he powdered her front, from hip to hip and down between her legs – sending a sexual tingle through her. He folded her diaper up and into place, fastening the tapes at her hips before he wandered back onto the reclining chair to finally catch his own breath.
Kendra took the pacifier out of her mouth, allowing that wonderful numbness to wash over her frame.
“Why do you stay with me?” she asked with a whisper.
“Because I began to live life in a manner I never knew when we met. And I fell in love with you more deeply than anyone I had met in the past,” Sage answered, still trying to catch his breath. “You only get touched in the heart once in life. After someone has done it already, all others become those who follow. And there’s nothing more important than loving the one who knew how to touch you unlike anyone else had ever done before.”
Kendra’s eyes welled up with tears that instantly streamed down her face. She had so many emotions coursing through her just then that she couldn’t focus in on any single one of them, not love nor loathing nor anything else. Her body had turned numb to the sting and her mind was exhausted from duress, numb to thinking anything specific. And there she laid for a few minutes, listening to her Daddy regain his breath and shed his own tears as well for her. But silence was soon broken and the remedy was discovered, even if it would only work for that night.
“What do you need right now, Baby?” Sage whispered, his voice still somewhat shaking.
“To obey you,” she stated simply, sweetly and softly.
“Then crawl to me, Princess,” he whispered back.
And with a heart that craved submission, she turned over onto her hands-n-knees and slowly began to crinkle her waddle crawl over to him at the reclining chair.
“That’s my baby. That’s a good girl,” he whispered, encouraging her as his words melted her to soul. “There’s nothing more important than being a good girl for your Daddy.”
He had already begun melting her, indeed. But what he didn’t realize was that his beckoning instruction for her to crawl towards him was the same as the one in her nightmare. There was no way he could’ve known. But this time, it didn’t matter to her. Though he was a silhouette once more, only casually caught by the blue flickering light from the TV, she knew who he was. And this was one bit of obedience she would freely do, without trepidation or fear – now, without flashbacks. On the way over to him, she closed her eyes, determined to make this one a dream.
When she got over in front of him, she placed her hands on his thighs and knelt up, moving between his legs. Her fingernails delicately slid up his inner thighs, traveling to the button at his waist and unfastening it before clasping the draw of his zipper between her teeth and taking it down. She reached inside his pants and his boxers, gripping her stiffened find and pulling it out as she sighed through her first swelling. His girth felt thick and she could feel that bulging underside vein that had driven her into ecstasy too many times to count already. Taking her lips up and down his length, her tongue added a touch of passion to the moment, stiffening him just a bit more before she added another trip to euphoria to a countless list of memories.
“Crawl up, Baby,” he whispered, taking hold of her hands and guiding her up onto his lap.
She parted her legs, bending her knees and straddling his thighs. A light bounce to her frame made beautiful her entrance into silhouette as well. Her irises stared directly into his as her breathing began to pick up. She could feel her swell and the slow drip that fell from her sweetness. And added was the crinkling sound of the diaper at her waist – the perfect combination of naughty & nice, sugar & spice, passion & purity. And though her arousal was building within her quickly, she obediently awaited her Daddy’s permission.
“Please,” she begged softly, longing for what she knew would be the best moment of this entire day.
“Tell me what your heart wants,” Sage said, taking hold of the sides of her frame, her almost completely naked frame captured by the blue flickering light of the TV behind her.
“I want to scream until I can’t scream anymore,” she answered with a pouty tone. “I want to let everything out all at once and never let it back in.”
“What else?” he said, reaching down between her legs and sliding her diaper to the side with a jolting yank.
She closed her eyes, tightening her lips and breathing slowly as a cool rush air traveled over her mound. And then fingers wandered up to her sweetness, parting her outer lips and spurning her on. But even in that captivating moment, when seduction themed each thought, she trembled from painful memories that were trying to make their way back to the forefront. Caught between pleasure and pain, her eyes welled up with tears and she made one final, breathy plea.
“Mind fuck me,” she whispered with tears. “And mind fuck me hard.”
And with those words, she slid her knees outward and mounted the tip of his erection, freezing at the feel of his girth as it parted her opening. The tears in her eyes followed the same reddened trails, left by the last time she cried, not more than a few minutes ago.
“There’s nothing more important than being a good girl for your Daddy,” Sage whispered with a syrupy tone as he gently placed his hands on her shoulders, making her slide down another incremental length of erection.
She gasped at the feel of being parted open further. Though it was yet another thing that had overwhelmed her on that day, it was the first thing she wanted to ravage her insides, replacing the thoughts of insecurity, replacing the painful memories of the past and leaving her with nothing but a peaceful, submissive existence.
“You can’t help yourself, Princess,” Sage whispered, burning his gaze into her soul. “You’ll never be able to help yourself. You’re just a baby. And every baby needs a Daddy.”
He placed his hands on the sides of her shoulders, watching her spine quiver and her free will melt. She couldn’t take her eyes off him and she couldn’t resist his commands, sliding down further onto his erection and whimpering at the sensation of being spread apart with no trace of conflict or ability to fight back. At last, she didn’t have to be strong anymore.
She thumped down the rest of the way and their pelvic bones met. She gasped again, crying silently.
“There’s nothing more important than being the best little girl you can for me,” Sage whispered. “You know what you are supposed to do. Show Daddy what a good girl you are.”
Her shoulders shrunk and her submission swooned, whisking the painful thoughts away as she focused in on him and him alone. Her eyes became fixated on him, mesmerized by his steady gaze. She lifted herself back up, feeling the relief as his girth slid out of her. And then she immediately pounced back down on him, allowing her canal to be penetrated with force – a force that she added ache to as she squeezed her canal, driving pleasure into him as well. She could feel her swollen condition and the slickness coming out of her as she moistened the tightened skin of his erection. Each penetration and withdrawal glided more easily than the one before it. And her speed picked up as the first little ripples pleasure washed out of her core and down across her whole body. Her skin tingled as if electricity had passed between them and her want became erratic as she began pouncing up and down on him with fury.
“That’s a good girl. That’s a very good little girl. There’s nothing more important than being a good girl,” he whispered through his own heavy breathing as she leaned onto his chest and wrapped her arms around him, continuing to mount him – faster and faster.
Her head was spinning and the moment to jolt her thoughts forward had arrived.
“That’s a good girl. Keep going faster. Faster,” he encouraged her, stroking her hair and reaching behind her to pat her diapered bottom before leaning his head in towards her right ear for a heated whisper. “There’s nothing more important than being pregnant for your Daddy.”
He wrapped his arms around her as she shook, her mounting continuing to speed up in a frenzied manner. She pounced with a need to find something more than just as orgasm … maybe a purpose. She couldn’t tell. Her mind was so confused.
“Yes, Baby,” Sage kept whispering to her. “Make yourself pregnant. Take Daddy’s seeds. Take them all. Draw them out of me.”
She whimpered as she pounded up and down on him, lifting her head to gaze into his eyes again when his hands directed her to do so.
“There’s nothing more important than doing what Daddy says,” he said, burning his gaze into her irises. “There’s nothing else in this world that matters now.”
Kendra’s eyes were glazed over – her mind going in and out of reality, in and out or anger, in and out of the moment and all the while her whimpers were turning to wails.
Finally, he erupted inside her – his seeds exploding onto her back wall and stinging her with force. She lifted her eyes to the darkened ceiling of the TV room and screamed as loud as she could as her orgasm arrived as well, almost as if it had waited for him to go first. Her canal tightened around his length and girth as did every muscle in her body. And when she was paralyzed to the point where she could no longer continue mounting him, he wrapped his arms around her and forced himself up inside her, again and again – all the while locking eyes with her. Her body rocked with the motion of his thrusts and she weakened in his grasp, feeling the ripples of seeds entering her. And when he collapsed himself from exhaustion, she did the same on top of him, both taking a few minutes to catch their breath.
But he remained inside her and with the strength she had left, she gently rocked her hips until she knew he was spent. There they would remain for a while as she twitched through her afterglow, feeling more exhaustion than ever.
He would stand up a few minutes later and lift her up into his arms as he carried her back to the bedroom.
“Daddy is very proud of you, Princess,” Sage whispered in her ear, patting her diapered bottom.
His praise went straight to her heart, unscrambling her senses and making the most important thought of that day in her mind. She could still feel him inside her, though he was no longer there. And as he lied down on the bed, she crawled up on his side, smiling as he offered the nipple of her pacifier to her lips. Willingly, she took the nipple in her mouth and closed her eyes with thoughts that didn’t harbor memories of the past, but rather, thoughts that were directed at the memories they would make in the future.
Kendra had been taking the birth control for several years and she wouldn’t get pregnant on that night, but the thought of it certainly got her thinking differently. And for a time, the troubles of her reality gave way to fantasies.
But of all the fantasies she ha, the one she wanted to become real more than all others was to find a balance with her present and her past. Until she found that balance, the fantasy would remain unfinished. But she knew that Sage would be there all along the way. And that made all the difference in the world. He was the part of her reality that needed not remain unspoken.
For now, she was settled – saved by one mighty fine mind fuck, ironically. But beyond the pathway that got her through it again, Sage was still there with her.
And there was nothing more important than that.
If you’re a fan of the darker age play, I would also recommend reading:
The Voice – A tale of horror, unavoidable consequences and possible redemption of self.